Ok — this actually happened a few weeks ago (Enghma will remember this… since I was on the phone with her when it happened), but I was telling a different friend of mine about it the other night. I decided it needed to be brought to the blog.

Bring it!

Ok, flash back about 3 weeks ago. I just got out of the shower. Like most people (I hope *all* people), I shower nude. It was early evening, and I was planning on going out… probably to the bar, I imagine. Anyways, so I’m meandering my way from my bathroom to my bedroom, intending to get dressed. I think I may have been on the phone at that point as well.

I walk into my room, in the buff, and I happen to glance up at the window which was about 10′ ahead of me. There was this big honking spider at the top of the window, right on the frame. It was about 1.5″-2″ in diameter. It had spindly, skinny yet noticeable legs. I imagine it was a pretty vanilla spider, nothing too crazy. Not like a Brown Recluse or a Black Widow or anything.

So I’m there, staring down the spider. It wasn’t moving or anything. It may have even been sleeping for all I know. (Do they sleep?) I just froze. For a moment, I debated letting it just stay there, but I wasn’t about to give it an opportunity to crawl into my mouth.
Normally, right about now I would be trucking for the kitchen to find a broom or a paper towel or something to kill it with… but I was naked. For some reason, not having clothes on made me terrified to move any closer to it. I felt like, without the cloth armor of a shirt and jeans, I was a target-rich organism. My brain just kept going through this circular logic:

“I need to put clothes on, so I can kill the spider!”

“There’s a spider here, and to put clothes on I’d have to move closer”

“I need to kill the spider!”

“I need to put clothes on, so I can kill the spider!” and so on…

I stood there, totally feelin the breeze for probably 15-20 seconds before I finally came to my senses and retreated back to the hallway.

So I’m standing out there in the hallway, totally freaked out. My brain is so panicked I’m having a hard time figuring out exactly how I approach this. The circular logic really did a number on my brain! I can’t even begin to recall how many different simultaneous thoughts I was having at that moment… I mean some REALLY ridiculous mental imagery — like the spider chomping me down… a whole mess of spiders erupting out of a shirt on the floor… I mean…some CRAZY stuff.

Eventually I was able to get half-dressed by getting the broom/mop from the kitchen, pulling some clothes into the hallway, and getting a sweater and jeans on; The whole time I’m nervously eyeing the spider, expecting it to charge me at any moment.

Fully clothed and armed, I am ready to take on the spider. He may outnumber me with appendages, hey may even have some kind of poison venom sac action going on — but I’m definitely hundreds of times its size. Broom/Mop in hand, I approached it and made stabbing motions at the window frame. After a few shots he was caught on the spongy end of the Broom/Mop, but not quite dead — I had to smash it against the floor a few times to finish the deed. (FATALITY!)

At no time did the spider *actually* charge me. A team of spiders never popped up out of the ground to assault me. And the spider never jumped from on high to land on my shoulder and start eating me. What I had to do to kill him could have easily been done totally naked, I suppose. In retrospect, it really makes no sense how my brain totally short-circuited when I had that strange combination of “naked spider in room.” It makes me kind of wonder what other strange combinations cause my brain to cease functioning normally.

Mayonnaise Wet hair?

Dog in room Saltine crackers?

Refrigerator open being Dressed like Ethyl Merman?

We’ll just never know I suppose…

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