The other day Megs and I were messaging each other back and forth, I was telling her about Chronicles of Narnia and how the White Witch reminded me of her (and how she needs to dress up as the White Witch for halloween next year). This is what I sent….I found it rather funny. :)

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 12, 2005 7:43 AM

I swear — when they introduced the white witch on screen I was like “OMG THAT IS FUCKING MEGHAN IF I EVER SAW IT”

well…i mean, it wasn’t LITERALLY fucking you (she was sitting down at the time), but I mean “fucking” as a word of emphasis.

you know what i mean, you say fuck all the time.

fucky.
———————————————————————

Ok so — I was going to talk about the “Sitting down” reference first…. but that turned into a long diatribe, so I’ll do the “Fucky” part first. Isn’t that just damn funny? I think it sounds like a little cartoon character.. if I ever get some free time I’m going to draw “Fucky the Penguin”. He’ll be really cute and tiny, and he’ll fight crime with his Shaolin Monk skills. Ok. That said… onto the funny shit:

The “she was sitting down at the time” reference. Megs and I have this inside joke about something that happened to her at an Opeth show. She was standin around, lookin totally badass (because she’s Megs), probably threatening to beat up some little kid and take his candy. Some dude comes up to her and they start talking. At some point in their brief conversation he says:

“You’re pretty tall… you could probably have sex standing up.”

I don’t know if that’s supposed to be a pickup line or what, but she and I are constantly joking about that. (The reference to “Sitting down” is implying that she couldn’t have been fucking the white witch since she wasn’t standing up…get it? anyways:) Just as an aside….would that work as a pickup line? Ladies? This seems along the same lines as the Ying Yang Twins “Wait till you see my…..” business.

For example, I had once asked her: “If you were asked to stand in line, would that be someone propositioning you for a gangbang?”
I’ve also told her she should introduce herself this way: “Hi, I’m Meghan, pleased to meet you. I can have sex standing up.”

Some other ways I’ve nearly gotten Megs fired from her job for laughing (from reading my messages):
—————– Original Message —————–
From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 5, 2005 7:45 AM

You should totally make that a code… like “Hey, wanna go stand up later?” lol


From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 5, 2005 11:29 AM

I’m SO GETTING FIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my stomach
dear god make it stop

 

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 5, 2005 8:51 AMYou know…
so like….is getting “stood up” the same as getting “laid” for you? ;) (and vice versa?)

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 5, 2005 11:56 AMyeah, i was thinkin that same thing LOL
now stop it!!!!!!
:)

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 5, 2005 8:57 AMif you were in a porn, and you won an award, would you get a “standing ovation”?

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 5, 2005 12:03 PMBWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
TEARS
STOMACH CRAMPS
FUCK YOU!!!
;)

(I thought this was exceptionally funny…if you click on the link you’ll understand why…I mean…it’s funny in a twisted sort of way…)
From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 5, 2005 9:14 AM
http://www.participate.net/standup/issueI don’t even know how to make a joke about this— but given our thread of conversation today…I find this website remarkably ironic…. lofl

 

my boss keeps looking at me because i’m giggling like an idiot.

 

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 5, 2005 12:27 PMROFL
thats it..i cant laugh any more
i think im broken

(and then the coup de grace… you’ve read this before, if you’ve read my previous logs re: “Penguin Suit”….but I think it’s worth printing again)
From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 5, 2005 9:34 AMok.. you’re going to hate me now.My friend Mandy and I are thinking about doing a photostory (she’s a photojournalism major) involving…are you ready?

 

me in a penguin suit.

heeeeee

we’re going to do a bunch of set-up shots where my penguin-suited ass is in some really normal scenarios. For example:

Me dining at the Olde Richmond Inn (a somewhat ritzy place in town) drinking a glass of wine while a server takes my order.

Me shopping at Kroger or Walmart, or the Richmond Square Mall or something.

Me pumping gas into my car.

etc.

 

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 5, 2005 3:57 PMi just choked on a pretzel i was eating while reading that last post
i never learn

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 5, 2005 4:22 PM
That’s what you get! you should know better than to eat things when reading what I write… just like you should know better than to stand up while around a naked man.
So it’s official. I’ve nearly killed one of my friends by nearly causing her to choke on a pretzel. I suppose there are really worse ways to go. It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t do this to her on a REGULAR BASIS. I think there are a minimum of 2-3 times per week when she tells me “fuck you” or “i am so getting fired” or “I nearly choked on _(random food item)__”.On another occasion, this exchange happened (this would be from page 26 of my sent messages…there are 41 pages of sent messages… which is dwarfed by the ONE-HUNDRED-ONE pages of INBOX messages I have):
—————– Original Message —————–
From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 2, 2005 9:09 AMwhen are u going to the zoo tonite?

 


From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 2, 2005 6:28 AM

I’m not going to the zoo ???
I’m going to see penguins at the Riverscape in Dayton (it’s a pavillion down by the river) next saturday.
(Aside: this turned out to be incorrect, unfortunately. There were no penguins at Riverscape. :( )

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 2, 2005 10:29 AM

sorry thought it was the zoo

 

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 2, 2005 8:42 AMI *WISH* it was the zoo…..
then I could DEFINITELY steal one >:D < penguin, a>

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 2, 2005 12:00 PMWhen i come up THERE to visit we’ll have to go to the zoo…and i WILL get you a penguin
using my feminine ways LOL
;)

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 2, 2005 9:17 AMsweet!!!!
but how is the penguin going to use your feminine ways? Are you going to train it?

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 2, 2005 12:24 PMNO NO
im gonna GET the penguin using my feminine ways…like ill say to the zoo keeper “Ya know im really tall…i can have sex with you standing up” < This wasn’t just some arbitrary comment, there was an inside joke behind it. >
;)

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 2, 2005 9:29 AM
That would be hilarious. You know, even if you weren’t trying to get the penguin, you should do it anyways. ;D

From: nightmaresally
Date: Dec 2, 2005 12:58 PMI really SHOULD try that
Think it will work??
;p

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Dec 2, 2005 1:09 PM
do I think it will embarass the zookeeper or at the very least get you some crazy looks? probably. Do i think it’ll work for a penguin? probably not. penguins are a lot shorter and so your height isn’t as important if you wanted to have sex standing up with one of them.
 Oh yes, I totally went there. Lastly on the agenda of how I will ultimately lead to the demise, arrest, or driving-insane-of of my friend is this installment:

 

—————– Original Message —————–
(this was regarding whether she is going to stay in florida or move up north.)
From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Nov 30, 2005 7:16 AM

Let’s put this into perspective:

You can either hate life and be pissed off non-stop for 3-4 months out of the year, and then be done with it. Or you can be pissed off 3-4 (or more) hours of the day, every day, with short bursts of relief in between when you’re WORKING.

I guess the question is would you rather be tortured slowly and painfully or have your heart cut out and burned once a year? ;)

 

From: nightmaresally
Date: Nov 30, 2005 10:28 AMlol makes sense
or i could just kidnapp you
that would solve all of my problems
well not ALL of them but…
you know what i mean ;)
fuck
thats the word of the day (See??? I TOLD you she uses it all the time! [if you're lost, read the "Fucky" one at the very top])

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Nov 30, 2005 7:33 AMYou *could* kidnap me…… but are you sure you know which one is me? I do have a clone now, you know.*ONE OF US* dresses like Morrissey from The Smiths… but I’m not telling you which. ;)

 

 

From: nightmaresally
Date: Nov 30, 2005 10:34 AMMorrisy huh?
what would be the difference between your clone and you? would it really be THAT different? (aside: I just now got this… lol…she totally burned me and I completely missed it. hahaha)
From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Nov 30, 2005 7:41 AMwell — my clone is exactly like me… except he’s made out of wheat toast. But you really can’t tell from the outside, it’s only when you cut him open, all the toast will fall out.

 

So the only way to tell for sure whether or not you have my clone is to kill me — in which case what would be the point of having me…

oh yeah — and the real me is also really weirded out by needles and naked midgets… so I guess you could try showing the both of us some movie of a naked midget nurse…. *shudder*

(I’m TOTALLY trying to get you to kidnap Morrissey, show him midget porn, and then kill him… is it working?)

 

From: nightmaresally
Date: Nov 30, 2005 10:45 AMyou crack me up ;)
i dunno about kidnapping morrisey tho..i would want someone more exciting than that if i was going to commit a crime of that magnitude
i’d just have to listen to him whine

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Nov 30, 2005 7:51 AMI know that’s the point… :)
You kidnap him and then no one else needs to hear him whine anymore ;)

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Nov 30, 2005 8:33 AMsurely there’s someplace nearby you that is a cool hangout for bohemian kids like us? Go there and just start reading, then when you see a cute boy go up and put your hand in his lap and propose to— no wait that’s to get RID of boys… when you see a cute boy throw rocks at him. :) that always works.
(aside: OK this needs an explanation… for a while there was this guy that kept calling her and calling her and wouldn’t take a hint that she wasn’t interested. I think she may have even explicitly told him she wasn’t interested. Anyways, I kept telling her that what she needed to do was put her hand right on his lap, touching his inner thigh, and propose to him. I said it would scare him off. Whether or not it would actually work, I don’t know, but I thought it would be an entertaining story for her to tell me after she did it. :)

From: nightmaresally
Date: Nov 30, 2005 12:18 PMyeah there is a coffe shop by here…called bohemian cafe…go figure
its never open when i try to go
ill get my rocks ready (is small or large better?)

From: Strychnine to Feel Fine
Date: Nov 30, 2005 9:39 AM
small is better — unless you’re trying to knock them out and take them home and take advantage of them (don’t get any ideas with me missy, I’m wearing my rock-proof helmet! ;) .that’s awesome…you should seriously start hangin gout there, I’ll bet you’ll be beating the boys off with a stick…

 

uh….

that sounded REALLY bad…. (aside: that DOES sound really bad…and painful….)

From: nightmaresally
Date: Nov 30, 2005 12:53 PM

IM SO GETTING FIREDLOL
im chuckin a boulder at you…theres no escape ;P

 

So that’s it for this installation of “How Megs is going to get killed / get arrested / assault someone / steal animals because of me”I find it damn funny, personally. And Megs, you had better post a comment on this or ELSE!!!! Let’s have them kudos kiddies! Bring it!!I may have Alzheimer’s but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.

 

-Fucky

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