Yes, I’m jumping on the year-end review bandwagon.

And yes, I just ate the remains of two tubes of cake decorating icing.

2005 has arguably been the best year of my life, ever. I really feel like this year I finally “came alive.” I have made a lot of progress defining who I am, what I’m about, and I’ve become more assertive about that. I’ve made a lot of friends, had a ridiculous amount of fun, and for the most part I’ve had a pretty consistent positive outlook on life.

This year had a lot of reconnecting — I really feel like the 25th year of my life has kind of been a crux of eras for me. Kind of a point to rest for a moment, reflect on where I’ve been, and get an idea of where I’m going. This was most apparent in the weeks before my birthday (September). I had been seeing a girl who was 18 (SEVEN YEARS MY JUNIOR!!!! Talk about robbing the cradle!) When I was 18, I didn’t even live in the midwest. That age gap really forced me to examine my own life, and how far I’ve come in the past 7 years, as well as the past 25 years.
I’ve reconnected with some old friends. Amanda, Sadie, my cousin Steve, and then Meghan. I’ve made new friends, both on and off of Myspace. And myspace… wow… getting on here was *definitely* a highlight of the year. I’ve met so many ridiculously awesome people; Myspace has been the catalyst for many many wicked awesome bits of my life.

Turning 25 was interesting as well. For the first time, I’ve really had to reconcile with what my age is. Up till this year, I may have technically known what my age was, but I still felt like I was 18 or 19. I rarely drank anything, even though I was definitely legal. I still hadn’t completely come to terms with the subtle changes my body has made through aging. I’m not quite as spry as I was when I was 18. I used to be able to jump over conference tables lengthwise…now I’m not so sure I can do that anymore. 20, 21, 22, 23, and even 24….all those years seemed to simply just be extensions of 19; the last teenage year. Perhaps this was because up until now I had been floundering around a lot.

I finally graduated college this year. It may have only been an Associate’s Degree (but it *WAS* Summa Cum Laude, bitches), but I finished it, nevertheless. I’m in school for something that I am actually excited about now. I have a decent-paying job that I enjoy, my own 2 bedroom apartment, a car newer than 1990, and some really awesome friends. My self-confidence has improved incredibly. I don’t second-guess myself nearly as much. I can say “I am fucking AWESOME,” and mean it sincerely.

I think one of the best parts of 2005 may have been the family trip to Cancun. There were about 15 of us, I think. We stayed in a reallllly nice hotel (think: open bar, top shelf liquor, all you can drink, whenever you can drink it… that was pretty much how everything else was down there). There was some really important development going on within me during that trip. There was the whole thing of reconnecting with my family — hanging out with my sisters and my brother, as well as my mom’s awesome brothers; and then there was the advent of my Devil-May-Care attitude, partially spawned by alcohol consumption. It was an interesting experiment… drinking alcohol (just a few drinks) to the point where I was slightly buzzed and didn’t give a fuck, and just go up and talk to random girls that I thought were cute. They talked back, we had chats, we danced together, I even made out with a few of them. When I returned from Cancun I felt like I could take on the world. I felt empowered. I had confidence.

Another really important part of 2005 was the 6 months of counseling I had with Carol. Carol is probably the best counselor I’ve ever worked with. We just click, we’re on a similar wavelength. We had worked together last year, but since she was only working there as part of her graduate program, it wasn’t indefinite. She returned in March and I gladly started sessions with her again.
She and I did a lot of really challenging and hard work with respect to my the mind’s inner multiplicity; learning how to accept myself in spite of parts of me I may not like. We did a lot of work with understanding that there are different parts of my personality that speak up for my different needs and desires, and how to work with them. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but it has helped immensely with my ability to accept and love myself.

Another big change for me in 2005 was that I finally decided I was comfortable drinking. Technically I started drinking liquor last september, but I never got drunk until this year. My friends that I hadn’t talked to in a long time were all really shocked when they learned it. I guess the fact that I’m comfortable drinking now might be reflective of the fact that I’m at a pretty stable place in my life right now. I don’t need alcohol to go out and have a good time, and I do still go out and be totally dry, but sometimes it’s just fun to get completely trashed. It’s neat to see what my brain thinks, what I say and do, and to let my censoring-mind relax a little bit. (I always joke that when I drink, my inner censor gets tied up to a chair and is forced to sit in front of a television and watch Britney Spears videos, while the rest of me goes totally buckwild).
Up until now, I just don’t think I’ve had the self-control or self-honesty to be able to safely drink, and I think I’ve known that. This year, with all of the personal developments I’ve made, it just felt like it was the right time.

So where to go from here? Who knows what 2006 will bring. Maybe I’ll die, maybe I’ll strike it rich, maybe I’ll end up losing my job, my house, and live in a gutter. It’s really hard to say. I feel like this year has been a very subtle shift from young-adult to adult-hood. I may have lost some things in that shift (table-jumping, for example), but I have gained others. I’m happy where I’m at, and where I’m going.

Props and thanks go out to everyone who helped make 2005 as awesome as I am

<3 you all.

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