Melissa and I have this inside joke about “making fudge.” It can either mean making actual candied fudge (the kind normal people eat), or it can be a euphemism for “making butt” aka “pooping.” I think it’s awesome that I can make poop jokes with my wife and we both giggle.

However, the context here is about the former.

The recipe is simple:

In bowl 1 (set aside):
• 1/2 C Cocoa Powder (unsweetened)
• 1/2 Stick melted butter/margarine
• 1/2 bag PB Chips
• 1 tsp Vanilla extract

In LARGE saucePOT
• 1/2 stick butter
• 4-1/2 C sugar
• 1 can
  evaporated condensed milk (12oz)
• 1 jar marshmallow creme (7oz)

Bring saucePOT to slow boil (low to med-low heat) stirring slowly, when it reaches boiling, boil for 5 minutes still stirring, then remove from heat. Pour half of mixture into Bowl 1, and slowly mix. Add remaining 1/2 bag of PB chips to saucePOT and slowly mix. Pour PB half into greased & foiled 9×13″ pan, then pour Choc half into pan. Even it out with a wooden spoon. Let cool off on countertop, store in refrigerator.

Easy enough.

A few things about the recipe though:

1. The original recipe said “medium saucePAN”. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried microwaving or heating marshmallows…but imagine heating a whole jar of it. Expect the contents in the pan to at LEAST double in size. I used a pasta pot for the second batch.
2. This is really important: because we’re talking candy, which means we’re talking crystallization, it’s really important that you don’t interrupt the heating process! If you must switch pans, do it VERY EARLY on, because if you reach boiling, back down, and go back to boiling again, the fudge won’t turn out right, because the crystals form incorrectly.
3. Cooling: I’m still experimenting with this, but I think you need to let it cool to room temperature on your countertop, and THEN put it in the refrigerator. I think if you put it right in your fridge it (a) heats up your fridge, and (b) causes the crystals to form too quickly. Jury’s still out on this one though, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.
4. If you have a ceramic glass cook-top, as many modern stoves do, and your saucePOT mixture starts to spill over, make sure you IMMEDIATELY wipe the stuff off the hot burner onto a cool burner, using a wet warm washcloth. If you let it cook on there, when you go to clean it off, you may cause damage to the cooktop!

Yes, there were indeed some minor catastrophes. This is only the 3rd or fourth time I’ve tried making it on my own. I usually try once or twice every xmas. It’s kind of a family tradition. My mom’s been making it for xmas (along with her other xmas confections) for as long as I can remember. First off, I forgot about the pan-size initially. But I remembered early on and put it into a pan that was slightly larger than the contents. Not good enough. When it hit boiling it was SPILLING over the sides and onto the cooktop. I immediately moved the saucepan over to another burner (indirectly ruining the fudge by interrupting the heating process) while the marshmallow/milk/sugar mixture burnt onto the cooktop. It made SOOOO much smoke. We had to open the window, and you couldn’t see further than 5 or 6 feet away! It smelled like a campfire.

When I went to clean off the cooktop, I had to literally scrape some of that marshmallow mixture off of the burner, and it caused pitting in the cooktop. I asked my mom about it and she said it should be ok to use if the pits aren’t too deep (they aren’t). I felt like an ass though. The fudge cooled off, but didn’t firm up enough. I think the heat change screwed it up.

The second batch went a lot better. We used a pasta pot. There was no spillage at all. The only problem I had was that some of the condensed milk had burnt to the bottom, but I’m pretty sure that’s typical. I may have had the heat up too high (it was only at 3 or 4). When it hit boil, it was a nice soft rolling boil, and I stirred it slowly. It had a good color and everything. This batch is still cooling and I just put it in the fridge, so I won’t know about it until tomorrow! I was a little concerned about the burning, but I sampled it off the spoon after pouring, and it tasted alright.
I can never seem to get the layers to pour right! It’s *supposed* to be a layer of PB with a layer of chocolate on top, pretty even all the way across. Mine always ends up being uneven or mixed layers.

UPDATE: After speaking with a friend of mine, we determined that the likely cause for my fudge failures is due to my usage of EVAPORATED milk rather than CONDENSED milk. They are apparently “night and day,” and that would likely explain the poor texture of my confectionary catastrophe. I must remember this for next year!

Categories: Humor
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