I’m so mad I forgot about this. Thanks, Aaron, for stomping on my mic last night.
Fucking 5 year olds learn how to rhyme words together, kinda like his songs.
“I believe I can fly … I believe I can touch the sky // Think about it every night and day … spread my wings and fly away”
Go piss on a groupie, fuckhead.
#9 Melissa Etheridge
How fucking bad can folk-rock get? Listen to “Come to My Window.” Are she, Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie the only fucking lesbians in the world who waited to age 35 to come out?!?! Christ almighty!
#8 Bush (particularly Gavin Rossdale)
I want to kick him in the nutz for all the hard-earned money he has stolen from teenagers across this good land.
#7 Matchbox 20 and its pasty-ass lead singer
His songs make about as much sense as: … wait, i forgot my rhyme scheme and … ah fuck it, throw in a “come home” here and “baby I miss you” there … done.
Play that shit, Casey Kasum!!!
#6 FUCKING CARLOS SANTANA
Give me a fucking break. I play guitar better than him. Seriously, I don’t know how to play and I like my style so much better. He holds one note, bends the string for a bit of pitch, repeats.
#5 Clay Aiken
Not because he can sing, because he can;
Not because he is semi-good looking, which he appears;
But because he pulls of androgany [sic] without even trying, whereas [David] Bowie nearly chopped his nuts off to achieve it.
#4 Jerry Warford
Yeah, that’s right, Jerry motherfucking Warford, from show choir my senior year in high school.
I was sitting in the auditorium, watching our shitty show choir perform its annual show before they went on tour. The entire student body was there, so near the middle of the performance they stop doing the guys dancing with girls show tunes thing and allow a few of the guys to show their individual talents. Pretty standard talent-show type stuff. Happens every year since i was like 6.
One guys plays the guitar and sings Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ’69″, does a fine job, we all clap. Another few, who were in a band, play The Black Crowes’ remake of “So Hard to Handle” .They do an OK job; Good for 16 year olds, not good if they want to make a living at it.
Which brings us to the encore performance from our friend, Jerry Warford. Offstage you hear the acoustic guitar start barking out the intro to “Hotel California”, and this froggy looking motherfucker tries to sing it, I mean terribly. You know that cute singing voice pretty much every kid has at age 8? Imagine that, but more shrill. So he fucking butchers this song,
especially the parts where Don Henley really belts it out: “But they Just .. Can’t … Kill the Beast”
I thought motherfuckers were gonna revolt.You don’t mess with the classics. Even my high school Econ teacher, who was also my basketball coach, cracked on him, and he never said a bad word about anybody. Of course, our coach cracked on him to us at practice, when Jerry wasn’t around.
Here’s how the story ends: It’s senior week. we come in for breakfast, the day before graduation, and class officers go around and have us fill out “Senior Wills.”
These are where you bequeath something to a classmate one guys wills his parking spot in the senior lot to a junior, another his messy locker, that kind of shit.
But I’m still pissed about Jerry Warford singing “Hotel California”, and we’re talking like 6 months time has passed. Ok, i have a bit of a grudge problem.
So I write this and it’s printed as such:
“I will the ability to fly to Jerry Warford, because he will NEVER be an EAGLE.”
…and we never speak again
#3 Samantha Foxx
Why did that hot bitch stop making records!!!
That pisses me off.
#2 People that hate on Ozzy Osbourne He’s a fucking Protest Singer for Christ’s Sake!
Get off his nuts. So he bit the head off a bat, boo hoo. “War Pigs” is the biggest folk song I’ve ever heard, I love it. “WAR is RAW”. It’s John Fogerty’s “Fortunate Son” with a rock guitar. “Mama I’m Coming Home”, that’s cry for help. Calling “Perry Mason,” … Angela Lansbury from “Murder, She Wrote” was more hardcore. People need to give Ozzy his due, he’s the Prince of Peace.
The guy knows every beatles song …
LOVE HIM FOR THAT, PEOPLE
#1 Steely Dan
I can’t even explain it. If nut-kicking music had a soundtrack, Steely Dan would be tracks 1-12. Anyone who tries to fuse Jazz and Rock should be shot.
It nearly killed Miles Davis on “Bitches Brew”. The man started freebasing his fingernails shortly after.