Tag Archives: mortality

30

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“I’m really worried that this day is just going to whiz by and I’m just going to miss it,” I said, sitting on a dining room chair, my rumpled work shirt hanging out over my slacks.

“Maybe you’re just making too big a deal about this, it’s just another birthday” wifey suggested.

“I don’t know, this is kind of a big deal – I really want to be present in this.”

I turned 30 this past wednesday.

Under normal circumstances, this post would have been written the day of, but this week has been anything but normal. In fact, all of my expectations about 30 being a turning point year for me could come to fruition in some way or another. Continue reading →

Fatherhood, part deux

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Sullivan and MelissaSullivan

Sullivan has begun to crawl. Everywhere. He pulls himself up onto things as well. His new favorite hobby is finding new ways to bang his head into solid objects. Everytime he loses balance, gets that frightened look in his eyes, and then *THUD* right into the floor, coffee table, couch, table, chair, television, crib frame, kitchen cabinetry, computer, subwoofer, or some new object I have yet to see.

It’s hard to not feel like a bad parent when you see your son’s head collide with a stationary object but every parent I’ve talked to (including my own) have said that it’s totally normal. In some ways, it’s kind of funny — America’s Funniest Videos kind of schadenfreude kind of funny. But I still feel bad for him.

In addition to being more mobile, he’s a lot more lively. He cackles, shrieks, yelps, makes merry, cries, whines, bitches, moans, etc. He watches my mouth move when I talk. His eyes have a lot more character in them and his facial expressions are much more varied. He still doesn’t mimic quite yet, but I think that’ll be soon. (And then we get to teach him baby sign language!)

APPLE CIDERZHe can almost completely stand on his own, a prospect that frightens Melissa and I with a portent to the near future when he’ll be walking; elevating his head into a whole new echelon of objects to run into. I swear this kid is going to be a frenologists wet dream.

The House

The house is currently in a quasi-state of disarray. The bathroom, still unfinished, is lacking both a sink, a toilet seal (so it smells gross), and paint. The drywall is nearly done. All I have left to do is sand off one little area by the entrance, and it’ll be ready for painting. We picked up some primer to get it started, but haven’t really picked out a color yet.

The living room has one wall with primed-trim. The wall with the entrance door and large window have their trim painted (the door too). We finally decided that painting the trim would be a good idea, and I have to admit, it really does improve the appearance of the room. When we get carpet laid down, possibly next year, I think that’ll help it even more. It seems a shame to cover up the wood, but the hardwood floor lost it’s novelty after my eighth foot-splinter.

So painting, painting, painting. Anyone want to help? I also need someone skilled with doing ceramic tiling, because I think that’s what we want to do in the bathroom.

My Grammy

Grampa, Me, GrammyEarlier this year, in February I believe, my Grandpa Westerdale died at 82 years. He had some chest problems and knee difficulties, but pneumonia did him in. My Grammy Westerdale is currently in the hospital with cancer, and Mom says that it’s not gotten any better in spite of Chemo and Radiation therapy. I guess at this point, she’s done with treatment and just wants to go into pain management. Mom thinks it’s quite possible she won’t make it to Xmas.
This Thursday, Melissa, Sullivan and I will be driving out to NJ to see her and visit family. Saturday will be when we actually get to Jersey, because we’ll be staying at my Mom’s in PA. It’s supposed to be a bit of a surprise. My car is currently in the shop getting some much-needed repair work done to it, so it’ll be drive-viable for the trip.

I don’t think I’ve really had time to stop and let this whole situation sink in, but I’ll have a 10 hour trip each way to do it. I think the most significant thing about this is that this trip will be the last time any of we three ever see Grammy alive. Being able to say that with certainty is profound.

I know that I, and probably most people, have read stories and anecdotes about death / near-death putting life in perspective. But just like parenthood, you don’t comprehend how true it is until you’re actually in the situation yourself.

Mortality?

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Last night we watched End of the Spear a movie that was part based-on-a-true-story, part prosetylization. I saw the trailer for it a month or so ago and thought it looked really cool… and then I saw it featured at Hobby Lobby and my first thought was “Oh great, another movie that will have forced acting and a poorly veiled religious agenda.” The movie, while marginally interesting, was exactly as I expected — almost painful at times. (Especially the analogies to cliched Christian metaphors ["Waegongi has a son", "Walk waegongi's trail"])
However *AFTER* the movie, during the beginning of the credits, they showed the real people that were portrayed by actors during the movie (Micayune and Steve), as they are living today. There’s apparently a documentary being released in the near future about Micayune, Steve, and the other missionaries down in Ecuador and their life now. It looks *REALLY* interesting and I would *REALLY* like to see it. (Some highlights: Micayune goes to the supermarket, sees a moving sidewalk at an airport, sees Steve pay for groceries with a credit card. Simple things that are profound to third-world nations.)

But watching the primitive Waogani (I apologize if that is incorrect) made me think of a few things. Their lives were plagued by constant wars within their culture — the two tribes were constantly warring on each other, spearing one another, over and over. No one ever grew old enough to have grandchildren. Most of the Waogani would not expect to live into their middle ages.

This all seems really savage and primitive, but aren’t we, in our civilized world, still plagued with similar uncertainties? Melissa told me yesterday about a women who became snowbound in her car with her husband and two children (7 mos, 4 yrs). The husband went off on his own and has not been recovered yet, but she was able to keep the kids alive by breastfeeding them. Today I heard about the wife of someone who used to work here at the university; She had an aneurysm and died on the way to the hospital. Her 4 year old child was in the backseat and witnessed her death as her husband drove.

I’ve also been reading this book called “Chance Rules: an introduction to probability and statistics.” The title is pretty self-explanatory. Last night I read the chapter about death rates and risk assessment. They were comparing death by auto accident to death by plane crash — you are statistically much much more likely to DIE in an auto accident than you are in a plane crash. (Thousands of times more likely — it’s a really significant number) Yet people still would prefer to drive because they think it’s safer. I think it’s because they think they’re more in control of their own fate that way, so it seems less stressful. But really, the statistical deaths are more or less independent of the people involved. They are inevitable to happen.

It’s made me really aware of my own mortality, and being recently married, my family as well. There isn’t any sure fire way to ensure that my family will survive to be old, and that I will see my own grandchildren. It makes me think of sea turtles — they crawl onto shore, lay their eggs, and then crawl back out to sea. The turtlings (or whatever they’re called) hatch, and crawl out to sea — some of them make it but a lot of them get eaten by crabs, sea gulls, and other animals. In a way, all of us are sea turtles trying to make it out to our own old-ages, and some of us just randomly get picked off. That’s just how it happens. All you can really do is hope you aren’t a lucky winner, becoming another statistic.

2005: Best Year Ever?

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Yes, I’m jumping on the year-end review bandwagon.

And yes, I just ate the remains of two tubes of cake decorating icing.

2005 has arguably been the best year of my life, ever. I really feel like this year I finally “came alive.” I have made a lot of progress defining who I am, what I’m about, and I’ve become more assertive about that. I’ve made a lot of friends, had a ridiculous amount of fun, and for the most part I’ve had a pretty consistent positive outlook on life. Continue reading →

Ever Get Shot At?

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Ok. One of my coworkers’ brother is in the Army, and is currently stationed over in Iraq. I don’t know much about his qualifications, or distribution, exactly where he’s at, etc. All I know is that it’s near Baghdad.

He’s on MySp!

And he keeps a blog. (http://blog.myspace.com/soldierjac )

You really have to check this out, it’s absolutely phenomenal. Some of the things he talks about are just crazy! Getting shot at all the time, going on missions *to be shot at* so the snipers can eliminate their target, constantly waking up and being paranoid… I just can’t even imagine a life like that, where you’re constantly knowing that at any moment it could all be over.

I have completely the utmost respect for these guys. I don’t know exactly why it took reading someone’s blog to really define this for me; maybe it’s because that makes it more personable… it’s easier to trust the word of someone you know is being genuine than it is of the media.

I still hate the government. They keep putting other people’s sons and daughters under the knife while they sit back and find new ways to capitalize on the opportunities created by those very same sons and daughters. Disgusting. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain…he wrote “Tom Sawyer” & “Huckleberry Finn” which were both made into [I think] Disney movies, one of which starred Elijah Wood, who was Kevin in “Sin City” and co-starred with Michael Clarke Duncan, who was in “Green Mile” with Tom Hanks, who was in “Apollo 13″ with… yes…… Kevin Bacon), so Samuel Clemens once said “Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it,” and I fully believe that.

In any case — go check out his blog, he hasn’t had a lot of time to write in it, but the few things that are there are definitely worth reading. (Especially the stuff about that Iraqi kid, too funny!)

Fluffy White Clouds

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One of my mismatched socks has a huge fucking hole in the toe of it. And the heel. It looks like the type of sock hobos always wear in movies and old films. Just give me a ratty dark brown jacket, a busted up top-hat, and all my belongings in a little sack on the end of a stick, and I’ll be ready to hitch a ride on the next train out of hear and eat canned beans over a bonfire.

I can’t sleep tonight. I have too much on my mind. I was practicing spinning tonight (that means “DJ’ing using vinyl records” for those not in the know…. I wasn’t literally rotating myself in circles or anything) and I realized I’m crazily out of practice. This is kind of a crucial realization given that I’m spinning at my friend Rai’s birthday party next wednesday. That’s going to be an interesting night… between Jerry, myself and Cramer, we’ll be DJing from 9pm to about 3am. And somewhere in there I’m supposed to get drunk with Rai. I’m not sure that I’ve ever spun while intoxicated, that’ll be interesting. Drinking on the eve before a workday….scary thought. Continue reading →