The annual festival of Mellukah (My wife’s birthday, to the layperson) is nearly here!
I’ve been asking Melissa what she wants for her birthday. Her first answer, which is still what she includes with whatever else she’s thought of, is a “Zune” (Microsoft’s hacky version of Apple’s iPod). She only wants it out of spite (because of my obvious feelings about Microsoft) — she’ll totally admit that too.
She’s also said that she wanted to go to the zoo and see the giraffes and the elephants. That seemed doable. I’m sure there’s a decent zoo in Indy or C-bus (I’m kind of weird about driving to Cincy). That’s been nixed though.
Her LATEST idea for Mellukah is this: A petting zoo in our backyard (featuring Goats, Giraffes, and an elephant), the rap artist Ludacris performing in our back yard, and of course, her Zune.
She and I talked about this a little more today, I said:
“I don’t know if that idea is going to fly. I mean sure, getting Ludacris and his entourage to come down here and perform in our backyard shouldn’t be a problem, and I’m sure that I can find an elephant and a giraffe, and goats are EVERYWHERE out here. But what I think would happen is that while Ludacris is standing up on a rented picnic table, performing “Southern Hospitality” or “Move (Get Out the Way)”, everyone else will be riding the elephant, petting the goats, and feeding the giraffe(s). I think Ludacris will probably be unhappy about no one paying attention to him, and then we’re going to have to let HIM be the first one to hit the pinata shaped like Tony Blair, which means that his entourage will probably run in and grab all of the Hot Wheels cars, wax lips, SweetTarts, and Durex Condoms that spill out of the Pinata. And somewhere in there I’ll get stung by a bee.
And I hate bees. Especially vindictive bees that sting me at family functions.
So we’re still thinking about it. I think it would be nice to go out to dinner somewhere, and just have Ludacris come along with us. We could probably bring a single goat, and just keep it in the trunk or the back seat. If I dress it in anthropomorphic clothes, I don’t think anyone will question me.
Yesterday, Joe and Satya came over for dinner. We made Broccoflower in white cream sauce (semi-Indian food) — it was pretty good, although I let the sauce cook too long and it ended up a little thick. Joe and Melissa were talking about her tattoo on her left bicep. A long time ago, she and her friend Abby decided it would be a really great idea to get a matching tattoo, and they decided on what they were told was “Regret”, although Melissa admits that for all she knows it could mean “shopping cart”. Joe was talking about how he could draw something that she could get to cover it up.
Somehow or other, they were talking about goofy ideas for tattoos, and Joe thought it would be really funny to have a tattoo of a butt on your butt. (Or a tattoo of a butt with a butt on it, tattooed on your butt).
I thought it would be bizarrely funny (funny enough that I could see me doing this, if I were drunk enough) to get a tattoo of a butt on your heart. People are always getting hearts tattooed on their butts, why not tattoo a picture of a butt onto your heart. Or maybe convince your mother to let you get a tattoo of your arm tattooed on her somewhere. Maybe the artist Eminem could get his upper arm tattooed onto his daughters face. That would probably just be really strange though.